


A Problem With Disney Music

by artificiallifecreator



Series: It's a Small World... Unfortunately [1]
Category: Disney - Fandom, Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Desperate times call for desperate measures, Disney, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Rated for swearing, Song Worms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-21
Updated: 2015-01-26
Packaged: 2018-02-05 15:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1823329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificiallifecreator/pseuds/artificiallifecreator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hong Kong Disney is right on the coast.<br/>The Shatterdome is right on the coast.<br/>Hong Kong Disney and the Shatterdome are 6.1 kilometres apart.<br/>Sounds travels really well over water.<br/>There's no way that didn't cause problems.</p><p>The Kaidanovskys won't take this one lying down, especially because they tried that and they couldn't sleep for the racket.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Let's say... March 2016.

Two triplets and two Slavs lay on the drivesuit room floor, cursing their lives and wishing they didn't have bodies.

"Who," wheezes a triplet.

"Yea?" asks the other triplet.

"N' you," says the first triplet.

"S'rry."

The first triplet waves it off. "Thought this... s'good idea. _Horizon Brave_ s suck.”

"Someone," says Tall Kaidanovsky, "who clearly underestimated little Chinese boys."

"'s that a com'liment?" asks the first triplet, lifting his head.

"Only because Sasha is tired.”

“We’re not little,” rasps Hu.

“To Sasha, triplets are. No meat, only bones.” She made to pinch one of them and moves her arm an inch. “How is triplet still able to move?"

"He's got the energy," mumbles Hu.

"Which one's Sasha?" asks the first triplet.

Taller Kaidanovsky grunts.

"No idea," says Tall Kaidanovsky. "Does not matter."

"'will when you smack your nose," mumbles Hu.

"Will worry when moving, but for now," Tall Kaidanovsky shakes (rocks, really) her head, "no noses in danger."

"Why aren't we moving again?" asks the other triplet.

Faintly, oh so faintly, the music started.

They groan collectively.

~ - _a small world af-ter all It's-_ ~

"Why did you have to say anything?" sighs Hu, too tired for a wail.

Tall Kaidanovsky reaches over her head and jabs.

"Fuck! Ow! Wrong triplet!" yelps Hu, clutching his eyes.

"I still felt it!"

Tall Kaidanovksy goes a little over to left and strikes.

"Fuck! Ow! Are you deaf?"

"Damn, he was right," mutters Hu.

Metal groans.

~ world af-ter all- ~

"Fuck Cheung!" the other triplet hollers, succeeding in rolling over and burying his head in Hu's side. "Shut the door!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Cheung whispers.

Metal clangs.

~ _af-ter all It's a_ ~

"I talked to LOCCENT- they're sending a message over," he reports. "And I brought water."

"I love you," says Jin.

"I love you too." Cheung squeezes his hand and addresses the Kaidanovskys. "Water?"

"What a good co-pilot," says Tall Kaidanovsky.

Cheung lands a waterbottle between the couple’s heads.

“Is it quiet? Good Heavens, am I actually not hearing anything?” squeaks Jin.

“Sasha is,” growls Taller Kaidanovsky.

Cheung covers Jin’s mouth. “And don’t bother licking me.”

They wait in perfect silence. Not creaks of machinery, whistles of air, or – Heaven forbid – strains of ‘music’ disturb the stillness.

“You’re shitting me,” breathes Hu.

With renewed vigor, the five of them shoot to their feet, burst through the door, and sprint to their respective rooms.


	2. Chapter 2

Maybe an hour, hour and a half later, Sasha realizes they are no longer asleep. 

«Mmm?» grunts Aleksis. 

«Whomever woke us up is dead,» Sasha promises.

  


~*~ 

  


People scatter from the Kaidanovsky warpath until one brave, quivering LOCCENT officer stands tall in an intersection. 

"I will solve all your problems in two minutes," he promises. 

"Sasha will be well rested and in good humour?" Lieutenant Kaidanovskaya demands. 

"Maybe not all your problems," admits the LOCCENT officer, scurrying to block Lieutenant Kaidanovsky, "but, if you just listen, in one minute..."

Faintly, but most definitely, the tin whistle hammering of manufactured jingles slowly become the soothing ballads of guitar riffs and percussion lines. 

"If you would like to follow me," says the officer, gesturing them down a corridor.

They emerge onto an upper balcony of the Shatterdome. 

The officer points up behind them at the lip of envelope where a number of speakers stand in proud line. "In fact," he yells, "it should be Disney-proof enough to rest out here!"

The lieutenants consider this. 

Finally, Lieutenant Kaidanovskaya says, "Sasha is pleased. Officer shall remain intact today."

The LOCCENT officer bows and flees to the storerooms to check on the rat problem. The situation warranted thanking his ancestors with a sacrifice more substantial than paper and he would prefer not to hang for a cat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It occurs to me I could have had someone say "Who dares disturb my slumber?!" 
> 
> Eh. I'm sure it'll come up again sometime.


	3. Chapter 3

After the soon-to-sacrifice LOCCENT officer leave, the Kaidanovskys doze the sleep of the too-exhausted-to-rest in the lounge chairs some underling so thoughtfully provided. The sun warms their faces, the sea cools their skin, and the breeze soothes their nerves. 

Alas, humidity, Hong Kong, and springtime got together and the temperature shoots into the low 30s. 

"~flurries through the air into the ground / My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around~"

Sasha growls. "It is too hot to be talking of winter." She found the handset beside her chair, just where she'd left it, and radio'd in. "LOCCENT, they're winning again."

"One moment please, Lieutenant Kaidanovskaya, we're rerouting power now."

Moments later, C-Rock drowns out the birds, the sea, and most importantly, that damn cesspool of ear rot from across the bay.

Aleksis rumbles contently and squeezes her hand, filling their link with pride and love. 

Sasha feels the same things right back.

"-mall world-"

"LOCCENT!" 

"Sorry, sorry, we thought is might happen. We're going up to 11 now." 

" _What?_ " 

"It's a call out to- you know what, never mind. Full volume in there, two, one..."

Whatever shit comes blaring from the speakers squeaks and chirps and sounds like small rodents on processed sugar but the songs vary. 

The songs vary, and so the song master lived another day. 

"SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS supercalifra-"

«ENOUGH! » roars Aleksis. 

Where Sasha is Aleksis and Aleksis is Sasha, a plan forms. A _solution_ , even.

“SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOOOOOUS!!!!”

A _solution_ to Disney Music. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the last line sounds familiar it's because it's very similar to [A Solution to Ukrainian Hard House](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1304380/chapters/2709214) by Puff22_2001.


	4. The Plan: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Kaidanovskys enact the first part of their plan to guarantee a day of rest.

The LOCCENT officer from before had found and killed a mouse, and now his ancestors showed their satisfaction by bestowing him with courage (the officer didn't know that many details, dear reader, but I felt it an important detail to share.)

"Officer!" shouts Lieutenant Kaidanovskaya.

He quails, but felt slightly less like his dismemberment was imminent.

"Sasha wants all speakers in Cherno's bay, _now_.”

"But-."

"But? Does officer not understand? Does officer need translator? _Go_."

The LOCCENT officer scrambled away to inform the proper authorities. 


	5. The Plan: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Kaidanovskys assemble the next set of pieces for their plan.

The Kaidanovskys stride down the hall and spin open the triplets' door, only to find the room empty.

They stand there for a moment, tired minds frantically trying to pool processing power, until that small coffee girl – she who had tea ready for them upon their arrival in Hong Kong – stops behind them. She glances between the two, peers into the deserted quarters, tries to speak, fails, and takes a deep breath. 

"Are you looking for the Weis?" she asks finally. 

Taller Kaidanvosky flinches.

"Sasha seeks them, yes."

"They're in my room," replies the small coffee girl. "I gave them the key because it's farther from outside.”

"Where is this?"

"E-Block, 316."

"Good. Many thanks."

"Don't break the door please!" she calls after them.

 

~*~

 

Taller Kaidanovsky didn't kick down the door- the three Weis had oh-so-kindly left it unlocked.

The two brothers flinch in the light and one goes so far as to bury himself under his brother.

"Go away!"

No one slept in the other bed except a pile of clothes.

"Where is the third?" Tall Kaidanovsky demands.

They draw away from the sound.

"Twins! Where is your triplet?"

One of them raises his head. "Cheung, where the fuck is Jin?"

The other brother mumbles something and waves vaguely.

'Apparently Hu' peers over the edge and awkwardly pushes open one of the storage drawers under the bed.

There, with a pillow folded around his ears, dozes the missing triplet.

"Good, Sasha wants all triplets."

"I heard that wrong," croaks 'Apparently Cheung'.

Tall Kaidanovsky leers. "Not while triplets are sleepy. Come." She shoves a pair of legs off the bed and a body follows with a squawk.

"Fuck dude!" yelps Jin.

"Triplets have work to do."

"We were sleeping!"

"As was Sasha. Triplets and Sasha sleep better when work is done."

In a flash, Jin extricates himself from the drawer and his brother (still not sure which one).

This seems to wake up the other two as well.

"Where do we sign up?"


	6. Putting it Together

Back in the hangar, techs scramble across _Cherno Alpha_ , bolting speakers into place on scavenged _Horizon Brave_ armour.

«Please, **please** tell me this is what you had in mind,» begs the Chief.

«Even better,» rumbles Taller Sasha.

«Oh, thank the saints! I love you both.»

Tall Sasha gives them a slow nod and the Chief scampers off.

"Are you doing what we think you're doing?" asks one of the triplets.

The other two eye the speakers.

"Do triplets think Sasha brings the fight to Disney? If yes, triplets have correct thinking. If not,"

"Triplets need head examined," finishes Taller Sasha.

"Everything seems to be under control," says the second triplet.

"Can't really see a spot for three people," adds the third.

Tall Sasha smiles her shark smile.

"Is because angle too sharp," says Taller Sasha.

As one, the triplets turn back and look up at _Cherno Alpha_.

And up.

And up.


	7. Proceedure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If only this was visual! I use a variety of quotation marks in this chapter (I'm so sorry!) to denote the different kinds of dialogue. I really hope it's not too distracting (I don't think it is?) but this way is far more straightforward than '[a Kaidanovsky] says in East Slavic' or tagging Disney's lines. 
> 
> «East Slavic»  
> ""English over a radio""  
> ~ _Music blasting from Disney_ ~ (In English)  
> "English"
> 
> The song I butchered (for good reason!) is "You're Only Second Rate" from _Aladdin II: The Return of Jafar_.

~ _I must admit―_ ~

As _Cherno Alpha_ steps off Scramble Alley, the civilians on shore and the PPDC employees clinging to the Shatterdome raise their customary cheer.

~ _―Are amusing_ ~

Today, the usual collection of bird watchers, journalists, and photographers has swollen with children, dock workers, and members of the public drawn by the cacophony.

Cheung, Jin, and Hu, tethered atop _Cherno_ 's hood with a tower of speakers, wave back gleefully and the crowd roars.

""Triplets! Hold. Tight."" snaps Tall Sasha. 

"We will," says Cheung. 

 _Cherno Alpha_  plows through the surf.

~ _Under your hat_ ~

"Aw, c'mon!" scoffs Hu.

"It's a fuel reserve!" hollers Jin.

~ _Now here's your chance_ ~ 

«As if we need a 'chance',» sneers Tall Sasha. 

~ _To get the best of me_ ~ 

«They're the ones who need a chance,» grumbles Taller Sasha. 

~ _Hope your hand is hot_ ~ 

 _Cherno Alpha_  lurches over a ship.

~ _C'mon clown_ ~

«If the triplets were jockeying, yes,» chuckles Taller Sasha.

~ _Let's see what you've got_ ~ 

Tall Sasha laughs. 

The track whines. 

 _Cherno Alpha_ takes _ _―_ _ twists over a tanker, sways, avoids a tall ship,  **finally** finds a patch of open water. 

"Anyone else feeling a little queasy?" asks Jin.

~ _Folk cower_ ~

""Do **not** get sick on _Cherno_.""

_~At the power~_

"Too late for that," Hu croaks.

~ _In my pinky_ ~ 

«They dare even **consider** vomiting on _Cherno_?» snarls Tall Sasha.

~ _My thumb is number one~_ _  
_

«They will regret the thought,» growls Taller Sasha.

 _~On every list_ ~ 

""Triplets will scrub _Cherno_ with toothbrush!"" yells Tall Sasha.

~ _But if you're not convinced_ ~ 

"Oooo, that's what you meant!" laughs Jin.

~ _That I'm invincible_ ~ 

"We thought you meant not to desecrate your 'oh-so-smooth' walking with getting sea sick." 

~ _Put me to the test_ ~ 

Hu wonders for a lovely moment what it might be like not to have such a stupid brother.

Cheung wonders for a tense moment how he could keep his insides off Cherno's outside.

~ _I'd love to lay this rivalry to rest_ ~

 _Cherno Alpha_ stops―

"But seriously, we're fi―,"

The track whines again.

―and ... 'shivers'.

"―iiiiiine!!!"

~ _You know your hocus-pocus_ / _Isn't tough enough_ ~

"Oh, hell," sighs Hu. "Cheung, are you okay?"

~ _And your mumbo-jumbo_ /  _Doesn't measure up_ ~

"I am really, **really** glad these aren't 'between the legs' harnesses."

~ _Let me pontificate_ ~

"Hold tight, bro, we'll have you up in a sec!" 

~ _Upon your sorry state_ ~

" _Cherno_ , give us a minute," says Hu. 

A skip in the track.

A Sasha snorts and _Cherno Alpha_ takes a step. 

~ _You think your cat's a meanie_ ~

"Fuuucck!"

"Shut up, Jin!" snaps Cheung. 

~ _But your tiger's tame_ ~

"GET THEM _CHERNO_!!" Jin screams. 

"NOT YET!" Hu yells. "Cheung, try not to swing so much."

~ _You've got a lot to learn_ ~

"Try― are you  **insane**? You try swinging down there."

"Jin! Shut! Up!" snaps Cheung. 

~ _About the_ ―~ _SQUAWK_ ""Warrior!"" _WHINE_ ~― _game_ ~ 

Jin and Hu pull him back back on top. He staggers, regains his balance, and stumbles to the far side of the speakers. 

~ _So for your education_ ~ 

""A **toothbrush** , triplet!"" roars Tall Sasha. 

~ _I reiterate_ ~ 

"He missed," reports Jin.

The track squeaks. 

""Triplets hold on this time, yes?"" 

~ _You can try to slam me_ ~

""Any speakers get lost, triplets pay."" 

~ _With your harder stuff_ ~ 

"That’s our line!" hollers Jin. 

 ~ _But your double whammy_ ~ 

"Oh no," moans Hu. 

~ _Isn’t up to snuff_ ~ 

 _Cherno Alpha_ slams its fists together, once, twice—

~ _I’ll set the record straight_ ~ 

—and the capacitors roar angrily.

~ _You’re simply out of date_ ~

"They didn’t," breathes Jin. 

**FFFFFFOGGGGGG HOOOOORRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNN**

~ _You’re only second rate_ ~

They charge.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Disney employee in charge of music? Knew **exactly** what they were doing. 
> 
> To write this piece, I Googled 'Best taunting songs'.

**Author's Note:**

> This particular email thread is known as 'Eerie self-indulgent thingy'. It devolved when I mentioned Disney and Pickleplum said "Now picturing a three-way music battle between Disney, the triplets, and the Kaidanovskys. The mayor of Hong Kong has to get involved."
> 
> I mean really, how could I resist the plot bunny?


End file.
